Saying ‘No’ With Heart

Do you ever feel afraid to be open, flirty, and sexy because you don’t want to attract unwanted attention? Many of us women fear that if we show the slightest bit of interest or desire, the floodgates will open and every creepy, sleazy, desperate man will come flocking to such an “easy” target.

We fear their advances, and we fear that we will have to be cold or bitchy to get these guys to go away.

Even if you’re in a relationship, do you often shut off the sexy because you have things to do, or you feel like he hasn’t “earned it” by being romantic or seductive enough?

As a result of these fears, we shut down our sexy and put up walls–better to risk shutting out the few good men if it means keeping guard against the hoards of undesirables. Or is it?

These walls might keep out the sexual advances we don’t want, but they also prevent the ones we do want, leaving us single, lonely, and achingly closed off.

When we put up walls, it’s often because we don’t know how to say “no” with heart. Whether in a relationship or not, learning to express that you aren’t interested in something sexual with an open heart will allow you keep strong boundaries without coming across as a cold bitch, and will leave opportunities open for when it’s a “yes.”

The key is to be able to consciously manage your sexual energy.

Those women who we think of as “loose” are literally loose with their sexual energy–they don’t know when to reign it in. They are sexual even when it’s inappropriate, like at work or around other womens’ husbands. This isn’t because they are evil or twisted–it’s because they don’t know how not to infuse sexual energy into everything they do.

The flip side of this is the “cold bitch syndrome,” when a woman blocks off all of her energy and closes down completely.

There is a difference between sexual energy and heart energy. When we get together with a good friend, we are open in our heart, but there is no sexual energy.

Practice getting in touch with that heart energy now. Now get in touch with your sexual energy and notice the difference between the two.

Now practice “shutting off” the flow of sexual energy, while keeping the flow of heart energy going.

(If you’re having trouble with this, we teach this in more depth at the Art of Flirting workshop.)

When you are approached and you aren’t interested in something sexual (or at least, not right now), pull your sexual energy in, but stay friendly and open in your heart as you let him know. This will let him know that just because you aren’t interested, it doesn’t mean he did anything wrong. It will also keep your opportunities open to inspire his (or whoever you want’s) desire in the future!


  1. Beautiful wisdom. I’d love more women to understand this. Great site, Liz!

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